Oh, hey. It’s Monday, and I hope you had a lovely weekend (I did!), but it’s time for a serious post now. You might want to grab a snack and get ready to read a bit because it is story time.
I guess I’m writing this because I had an interview last week and the interviewer asked me a question about first quarter and how I adjusted from high school to college. No big deal, right? I mean, I love school and I think I’ve made that quite clear. But I pretty much started crying instantly. Wait, what?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I was actually very depressed during my first quarter and I wasn’t up to recognizing it. I was in something of a fog for the entire quarter, and I hate to say it, but I really don’t remember much about it except for the people I met, and I think that’s largely because I still talk to them now.
The thing is, I thought I was fine and everything was normal. There is a significant transition everyone faces when coming to college, and I watched a ton of other people do it seemingly painlessly. What I’ve learned since then, however, is that it isn’t actually completely painless for a lot of people.
I think most of us go into college under the impression that it’s the best four years ever. And when you hear that, you probably don’t think of anything as being that hard. But here’s the thing: it kind of is.
When you start school, you’re not only trying to figure out a new schedule and how to live without family, you’re also forming a mostly new support network and going to class full time. You’re trying to balance studying and a social life. You’re trying to create a new normal. When you say it like that, it doesn’t sound easy; virtually everything is changing. Still, you’re kind of trying to make it look as glamorous as you see in movies.
After being here for a few weeks, though, I started to feel like I wasn’t connecting with people. I started to think something was wrong with me. And when I felt like I was constantly doing schoolwork and hardly just relaxing and having fun, I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt stressed beyond belief and like I was doing something wrong pretty much all the time. You can see how that would weigh on a person, right? Yeah. But I didn’t admit how bad I was feeling. Sometimes I would go for a run or eat huge amounts of food or cry to kind of release some of the tension. Afterward, I usually felt better. But that “better” never lasted.
Sometimes I joked about transferring schools. Really, it was hardly a joke to me. I was torn because I did not want to give up, but I really did not want to feel so stuck and horrible.
Why I am saying all of this? Because I’ve since talked to a lot of other students, both ones I met at UChicago and friends from high school, and they’ve felt the same way at some point. The thing we’ve all realized, though, is that all the things that feel so wrong and uncomfortable are really just things that take time. Sure, you might head off to school under the illusion that you’re going to meet your forever friends on move-in day. Maybe you will. But what you don’t hear is that maybe you won’t. You might think you’ll impress your teacher because you know all the answers to the question he asks on the first day of class, but you probably won’t. You are in college to learn, after all. You might believe you’ll strike a perfect, easy balance between going out on weeknights and hunkering down in the library without feeling like you’re missing out on anything, but you’ll probably always wonder a little.
All this is just to say that coming to college and being in any new environment involves a lot of trial and error. It will probably leave you second-guessing your actions and your instincts. You’ll likely think you’re going crazy and that you’re the only one feeling a bit lost. None of this means you’re doing it wrong, though it might feel like it a lot. You will learn to trust yourself.
And that’s where the story gets happier. I started to realize how I was feeling and I started to tell people about it. I don’t know how I got to that point, but I recognized I was feeling isolated and just really bad. Somehow, that turned into me trying really hard to be more social, which meant talking to a lot more people, which (as I said) eventually led to the realization that a lot of people had felt like I was feeling. I guess I felt like I had friends then. At the same time, I started to feel a lot more confident in my academic abilities and in my ability to balance sleep and studying and social stuff and maintain some semblance of my sanity.
I can tell that this all sounds like a perfect storm, like I just kind of snapped out of a depression – and I know that’s not really how this works, at least not for everyone. My point, though, isn’t to tell you how to cure a mental illness at all.
What I mean to say with this 1000+ word spiel is that putting yourself in a new situation (like college) is really, really hard. You might feel pressure to make it look easy, but as soon as you take that pressure off yourself, you will be so much happier. Recognize your struggles and accept them. Tell people about them. Work through them and get as much support as you can. It’s not easy to admit you’re not feeling as fabulous as you would like, but it is so helpful.
So yes, I was in a really bad place fall quarter. But now, I feel so different. I was so isolated then, and unconfident and uncertain. I just felt alone. Sometimes I think I border on oversharing my life now, but I feel generally supported and alive and capable.
I’m not about to make any bold claims about college being the best four years of your life. I’m only nineteen. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Either way, I believe it’s hard, and I believe it’s wonderful.
No questions today, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Thanks for the sharing so honestly here 🙂 I think this post will resonate with A LOT of students (including some who haven’t yet realized that they’re going through the same things). I definitely felt overwhelmed when I started university. Going from doing pretty well in high school to struggling to keep my head above water was really frightening…and it took me most of first year to settle into a routine and, as you put it, feel more confident in my academic abilities. The social aspect was tough and it wasn’t until second- and third-year that my classes became small enough that I recognized some of the same people between them and started to get to know them. It gets easier though…I settled into med school a little better than I did undergrad and the transition to residency was easier yet, but I’m not going to say that there weren’t (and still aren’t) struggles. I wish I’d been as insightful as you back in first year! And I’m really glad you’re enjoying things now and thriving by the sounds of it 🙂
I think the social aspect was the hardest part for me. Going from having the same group of really close people for years to having a huge group of new people was kind of mind-boggling. I’m glad you’ve found your routine, too! 🙂
Phew – I am your mom’s friend. I am so happy to hear you pulled out of this and realized the spectacular opportunity you have been given. Wow. So smart you are and insightful. That first year (semester) is a 360 from home. We went through it with our son – put on top of learing the adjustment from high school to college – he made the Lacrosse team and was fighting all over again for a spot on the team and trying to blend in with the guys on the team (never happened) along with being the starter at the college level. By second semester he was 150 lbs (from 180)…….and none too happy. He fought it out, did a lot of soul searching over the summer and wham……second year, no lacrosse pressure (quit) and he bloomed. You are blooming, too. Sweet girl, tough it out – your mom is soooooo proud of you and i love hearing the Ellen stories. Blessings – spring is near which means summer is soon!
I’m glad your son figured out how to balance everything. It just takes a little time. Thanks so much 🙂
I think you are awesome for sharing this! I wonder how I can save it so Matthew can read it in a few years.
And about it being the best 4 years of your life, it hopefully isn’t. Seriously. Hopefully it’s amazing and wonderful, and you may think it’s the best ever! But hopefully each time you move on to something new, it’s again amazing, and wonderful, and something to learn through. If my best 4 years are already over, and have been for 25 years, then that’s pretty defeating.
I loved college, and getting a real job, and getting married, and buying a house, and having kids, and each of the stages I’ve gone through with them, and now onto another great 4 years of my life! Great times are over, but perhaps the best is yet to come. I hope I keep having the best years of my life!
I love what you said about the best years of your life – I want to believe that they’re always in the future 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing!!
Very nice. I love that you can share something so personal. I hope this insight will be helpful if you should find yourself in a similar situation in the future and that you would be able to reach out for the help and comfort you need. I know you’ll also try to call on this experience to help others. I love you, and I always want to be there with support and understanding when you need it.
Thank you, Daddy <3
What you said about struggling to find balance and making time to make new friends and create a new normal really rang true with me…I’ve recently been going through something similar, but having the courage to actually get out there and start *doing* is quite difficult and I am still working on mustering that courage. Thank you for this, Ellen!
It is difficult. I wish you luck, and if you ever want someone to talk it through with, you know how to reach me 🙂
i guess it’s good to know you’re not alone. I hope you’re year continues gettting better; good luck on your last semester
i should add & make a complete thought;
i’m really sorry you felt this way, and it is really big of you to share. again, i hope you’re doing better! i find clubs helped me the most.
Oh, thanks!! Ohhh my it’s so much better. School is hard, but I love jusssst about everything about it.
This is such a relevant post! There really are SO many adjustments when going into college and no one really talks about the hard parts- just the fun parts. It helps so much to talk about my struggles with other people because then I realize I’m not the only one dealing with ___.
Exactly. College is so fun, but it’s not JUST fun. Talking helps so, so much. 🙂
I definitely had a rough first year in college. My last three years were much better. (I need to remind myself that as I am still the first year into living in a new city.) My second year I joined a sorority, studied abroad… started making new friends. By my fourth year, I really felt at home at WVU. I promise it gets easier!! Know that you aren’t alone in how you feel – everyone else probably does too, they just don’t talk about it!
Good luck as you adjust to life in a new city! Transitions are tough, but as you know, it takes time. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who thinks so 🙂