I don’t live in a particularly small town, but it’s fairly often that I see people I (used to) know when I’m out and about. Some of them I (used to) consider friends – maybe even really close friends.
Maybe we acknowledge each other. Maybe we don’t. (Full disclosure, I’m almost never the first one to acknowledge someone else. There’s nothing wrong with talking to people, but I’m #foreverawkward so I guess I just don’t.)
Sometimes I go to family gatherings and find that extended (and even not-so-extended) family members are less than welcoming. If I start conversation, they end it as soon as possible. If I offer stories about my life or offer to get together for dinner sometime, they act interested… and never follow up. Eventually, they kind of fall out of my life.
In both cases, there is a reason we knew each other at some point. Frankly, that reason is probably that we went to the same school or are biologically related. Family, school, and community activities give you a pretty good reason to be friendly toward a lot of people who you don’t particularly like or who you wouldn’t otherwise choose to interact with. You have to see quite a lot of each other if you are naturally in the same circles. Fact: it is much less draining to act nice to people you see daily than to be standoffish.
But in general, you don’t have to stay in touch with people who don’t make you a happier or better person. And maybe you shouldn’t.
Honestly, this perspective makes me feel like kind of a terrible person. I have never had a problem stepping back from people whose company stopped making me happy. That’s not to say I don’t try to maintain relationships. I absolutely do. I reach out, offer to spend time with people, and make an effort to see them and talk to them. If after all that, though, I feel that my effort isn’t appreciated or that a person’s attitude is just stressing me out… I stop.
I have no idea when I made this my mode of operation, and even though sometimes it makes me feel mean, I think it ultimately serves me very well. Sometimes, this means my circle of friends is a little smaller than others’. Sometimes, this means that I’m not really in touch with some of my family. Most of the time, it means that the people who are in my life are people I would do anything for and people who are fully supportive of me. They’re the kind of people I want in my life.
How to Get Here
- Be really comfortable with you. I know, I know. Easier said than done. But if you are confident in the fact that you are awesome, you will trust that even if you don’t connect with person A, there is a person B you will connect with. Some people are meant to stick around and others maybe aren’t. So do whatever you need to do to convince yourself you’re great. (You are!)
- Be nice to people, even the ones you don’t adore. Seriously. This is just common courtesy. If you decide you don’t want to spend much of your time with someone, that’s more than okay. If you decide that you then should egg his car or insult her entire family… well, don’t decide that. Being a nice person will more often than not attract the right people to you.
- Reach out to the people you do adore. Don’t just expect the right relationships to fall into place. They take work, too. The difference between maintaining the right relationships and the wrong ones is that you really want to keep the right ones strong.
Summing Up
The people you surround yourself with are important. They are going to affect how you see yourself and the world around you, and they will impact how you feel and what you do. Finding the ones who inspire you and make you better isn’t always easy, but it’s easier (and more worthwhile) than trying to save relationships that give you more stress than support and smiles.
Do you struggle with stressful relationships?
“Well … don’t decide that.” Lol but so much truth right there! Important stuff to remember, especially with transitions from schools. Thanks for this post Ellen!
Of course! It’s definitely something to think about as you enter different phases of your life. Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
I love this post and I think the topic you brought up is one of the most important personal issues a person can deal with. Learning to pick genuine friends and be okay with letting others who don’t add much to your life go is a hard lesson, but a necessary one. That’s a big thing you learn in college. Coming out of the small bubble of high school, it gets easy to get lost in trying to fit into a popular mold rather than finding friends who accept you for who you are and don’t try to force anything different. Once you get to college, you realize that you don’t have time for people who bring you down. Fantastic post!
Thanks so much for your sweet comments, Christine! I definitely realized a lot of this as I was transitioning from high school to college. Suddenly, I only had to really spend time with people who made me feel good… and that’s who you should be spending time with!
Totally and I think really listening to YOURSELF is so important in this since you are going to change to and will need different connections at different times. It’s hard to find the right people to have around, friends will change, but family is won’t so those connections are even more important to take care of if they feel good.
Exactly! The people in your life should/will change as you do. It only makes sense!
Yes, I have found myself trying to maintain connections with people who honestly never put in any effort, which makes it obvious that they don’t feel the same way about keeping the friendship. I have begun to realize that I shouldn’t have to change myself to be friends with someone, and rather should seek out people who like me for who I am.
Thank you for the honest thoughts <3.
So glad you’ve realized that, Niki! It’s a valuable lesson. Thanks for reading <3
I have been reading your blog and this is my first comment. This is a GREAT post and so well-written. First, make your inner world pleasant by being nice to yourself. Then, make your day-to-day interactions pleasant by being nice to others. Then, on top of that foundations, cultivate the relationships that really matter to you by reaching out (and you can’t do the last step unless you do the first two first).
You are so wise. 🙂
Thank you so much, Leah! I’m so happy you’ve been reading and even happier you decided to share your thoughts. You’re so sweet <3
In between middle school and high school I “lost” a lot of friends, for no reason other than we joined different clubs and made new friends. Same thing when I moved later in high school. It’s hard to keep in touch with everyone but the important relationships eventually stand out. Those people who reciprocate your love and care are the ones to keep around.
Exactly! Changing relationships is a very normal part of life, but I think it’s often kind of hard to accept. It ends well, though 🙂
First, Ellen, I have to say: *thank you* for this post!!! You did such a good job putting into words something I’ve been gradually noticing in my own life, and it made me feel better to know that other people are going through the same thing. So thank you so much! I have definitely been on the making-overtures/trying-to-stay-in-touch-and-make-it-work end of more than a few (pretty much all) of my friendships thus far. I wanted friends so badly, I kept pouring my social and emotional energy (plus trying to be someone I wasn’t) into these people who either would not reciprocate, or else would just do the social nice things and didn’t really particularly want to be my friend. It drained me to the dregs, and finally I gave up. I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful immediate family as my best friends, as well as several extended family members, who I now number among my most closest friends. I have several of those draining relationships still in my life, one of them being a relation…which makes it particularly hard and makes me feel like an especially horrible person, because how can you say you don’t really get along with/are drained and stressed out by a particular family member? It’s not that I don’t love her, but it’s just a lot easier if our interactions are kept few and lighthearted, and it’s a very hard relationship to navigate. Thank you, as always, for your thoughtful reminders and encouragement that we’re not the only ones out there trying to figure this out!
Relatives ARE a particularly difficult case, and I’m definitely working through a couple situations like that. I hope you are able to figure out the right path for you! Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Hannah!
I’ve dealt with a lot of toxic people in my life, and I am sure I have been toxic to someone as well. Growing up, I realize more and more how vital it is to put myself first in certain situations to ensure I am being supported and supporting others.
Great words, Ellen!
It’s interesting that you pointed out that you’ve probably been toxic to someone else. First, that’s really self-aware. Second, it makes perfect sense. It takes two people to maintain a relationship, but only one to “ruin” it… there’s no reason it always has to be the other person. Thanks, Julia!
Ellen, I LOVED this post. I soaked up every word. It is a hard lesson for me to learn, because by nature I am very concerned about hurting people’s feelings. It was only when I had a recent experience with some friends that my mom pointed out to me what you are saying here. Hard though it is, even though they are nice enough people, if they are not putting their fair share of effort into the relationship, I really need to evaluate to see if it’s worth it, and most of the time it’s not. This post came at a really good time because I was starting to feel like maybe I had no choice. I don’t want to say never, but I have had very few relationships outside of my immediate family that have been strong, and none that lasted, so I was second guessing the fact that that kind of relationship could ever exist for me. I’m still discouraged, because I know it will take a lot of work to try and find the people who care, but I have hope that it will happen someday. 🙂
I love your point about loving/being comfortable with yourself first. This is definitely something I need to work on, as I tend to be very insecure. I think I’m getting better, but it gives me something to work on while I’m trying to find friends. I also like your other tips; I am always in need of reminders! I have a bit of trouble with my self-confidence when it comes to that last one, and I’m afraid to do things in case people think it is socially improper or just weird. I have been working on expressing to people how I feel no matter what they might think, and have had encouraging results, which is helpful! 😀
Sorry that I’ve kind of turned you into a Father Confessor, but I really wanted you to know how much this post spoke to me, especially where I am right now. Thank you!
Definitely keep trying to build the relationships you want! It’s not easy, but it’s worth it 🙂 Sorry to hear about your recent rough experiences. It’s a good practice to share your real feelings, so it sounds like you’re making progress. Just keep your head up and keep trying (easier said than done, I know).
You’re absolutely fine. Thanks for reaching out and responding!
I NEVER make the first acknowledgement when seeing people I know, but don’t really talk to anymore. SO awkward. I hate it. Luckily, I don’t live in the town(s) I went to school anymore, but when i spend the day with my dad, the anxiety that I’ll see someone from high school is so real. I hate it! Such a great post, and so true.
I’m pretty much the same way. Thanks, Morgan 😀
This post is a brilliant articulation of what I am sure a lot of people are going through! Like yourself, I am habitually part of the #foreverawkward crowd with people I ‘sort-of’ know and as I moved through high school and university, my friendships changed a lot. I began both to realise that I didn’t actually have as much in common with the people I had been friends with through the earlier parts of my education as I thought, but also that I needed to make more of an effort to reach out to those who make a positive impression on my life.
I am definitely guilty of not being a great friend to people in the past and can appreciate the reasons we are now more distant. It isn’t selfish to take a step back from relationships that bring you down and by doing so, I think you can put more energy into growing the ones that enable you to mutually blossom. 🙂
I love that. You only have a certain amount of energy and you need to put it where it will serve you AND your friend best and make you both the best you can be. Thanks for reading, Charlie 🙂