Hello hello! I am in the best mood ever because there is playoff hockey IN COLUMBUS tonight, and I’m going to be there, and it’s going to be so loud. The Blue Jackets pulled off two incredible overtime wins in Washington, and now they just need to win a couple more games before they make it to the second round of the playoffs for the first time ever. Bonus points if we win the two games in Columbus this week, because then I’ll get to see it happen in person. Ugh. I’m so freaking excited.
I’ll be sure to come tell you all about it and the other things happening in my life later this week.
But before that, I want to talk about something that happened last week. I had a conversation that left me feeling super confused and generally doubting myself, my decisions, and everything that comes next. Reflecting on it, that feels melodramatic, but it bugged me enough to have to give myself a bunch of little pep talks over the last week.
I look pretty great on paper. My grades and extracurriculars and internships have always looked impressive. My hobbies (fitness and writing things) sound respectable. I snagged this huge amount of time to truly take a break from most responsibilities because I managed to land a job before I graduated. People generally like me, trust me, and care about what I have to say.
Last week, I was talking to an acquaintance about school and work, coming to terms with not being the smartest person in every room, and my future. He said, “You’re obviously very smart and talented and will be successful in anything you decide to do.”
Just continuing the brag-fest here. Don’t mind me.
And then he asked me if – I’m paraphrasing here because I try to keep my (blog) language family-appropriate – I’d ever really screwed up.
Um.
I mean, I’ve made mistakes. I parked my dad’s car into our grill in the garage. I booked the wrong flight and consequently had to pay for two. I’ve been known to run on a semi-injured body, likely making said injuries worse. Despite all signs pointing to the fact that it was a bad idea, I enrolled in a class where a professor yelled at all of us for nearly an hour and a half twice a week. I’ve handled relationships less-than-perfectly. I’m human, so I don’t always say the right thing.
But, frankly, no.
I fumbled to come up with something. He basically dismissed anything I had to say after that.
And because I like to be taken seriously, even though I’m young and not that experienced at anything, I started wondering what I could do better.
How could I actually make it 22 years without really messing up? What a failure.
I spent an entire day last week feeling pretty awful and inadequate because I’ve never made a massive mistake in my life.
First, come on. What a waste of time.
Second, it isn’t like I’ve completely avoided things that could go badly. Going to UChicago was difficult, and that could’ve gone either way. I certainly considered transferring elsewhere a number of times. Running a half marathon on my sensitive body could have gone much worse than it did. Even though I love Chicago, I’m known to get a little homesick when I’m there for a full quarter, but I opted to go across the ocean for three months. All of those could’ve been not-so-good. All of them turned out admittedly more than okay.
The things that have gone well for me have gone well, yes, out of luck and good timing, but also out of muscling through tough stuff.
Third, I am only 22. There’s something close to 80 years ahead of me in which I could really screw up.
Fourth, is “number of enormous mistakes” actually a reasonable measure of experience or success? I tend to think not. Sure, a low score in that stat could mean you never try anything. It could also mean you don’t try very many risky things, or maybe that your “tries”, risky and not, go well for any number of reasons unrelated to you personally. It could even mean you just recruit enough people to help you out that you don’t have to own any of the mistakes you’ve played a role in.
I think playing it so safe that you never have to grow or make a mistake is problematic. But simply not screwing up? Nah.
So, if I mess up, I’ll learn from it. That’s always been the plan.
But if I don’t make any earth-shattering mistakes, I’m probably not going to be too broken up about it. And if I do, as I snarkily told this guy, you’ll be the first to know.
Your turn:
Have you ever made a really big mistake? What did you learn from it?
Tell me something good happening in your life right now!
Well, I totally screwed up at work by ordering too many AP exams. Each unused exam costs $15, so we are talking about a $1500 mistake. I tend to be pretty upfront about my mistakes, but I usually come up with a plan to fix it before I share. So I guess the advice is to not freak out too much about the mistake so that you can quickly come up with a plan to rectify it.
Well that is a weird reaction (his). Like saying you can’t truly have loved if you’ve never been broken up with or had a broken heart. Broken hearts come in lots of forms. I hate it when people force you to extremes “you aren’t a runner if you’ve never run a marathon.”
Shut up.
F-sing up, well and truly, is qualified by your reaction and your perspective. It depends on what is important to you, and that can change over time. So what you thought you f-ed up then might in retrospect might not be such an f up.
So the question is an interesting one, but a) highly personal and b) no one of his business. C) his reaction is just unacceptable. That is the reaction of someone who did something bad enough that he has to justify it as a life experience.
I make plenty of little mistakes – but I don’t know if I’ve ever made a big one? What would that even be? I feel like it depends on what the person sees as failure. What a weird thing to say!