Ever since the beginning of high school, I have been excellent at joining things. That’s what people tell you to do, after all, whenever you’re in a new place: get involved.
I’m not discrediting that. I’ve acquired a lot of skills and met a lot of really cool people by “getting involved” in activities in both high school and college. Above all, I’ve learned to put myself out there and try things I’m unfamiliar with. I may not love everything, but I’ll give it a shot – and that’s valuable. You can learn a lot about what you want by exposing yourself to new experiences.
But somewhere in there, I forgot something: you don’t have to stick with everything. And you really don’t have to stick with something that doesn’t serve you just because it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to someone else.
One of the clubs I joined upon coming to UChicago was really interesting for me for about two quarters last year. It was really informative and it’s how I made a few of my closest friends here. My interests have shifted a little, though. I never really felt connected with the group leadership, and a few of the general sentiments of the group started to feel childish. I applied for a much less involved role at the beginning of this year, I’ve attended the minimum number of required meetings, and I’ve honestly put zero effort into being a great member.
But I couldn’t quit, could I? It’s a line on my resume. It might somehow relate to some aspect of my future career. A lot of the women in it have a lot of success through the connections the club affords them. And above all, you’re just not supposed to quit things.
Wait. What?
I’ve talked before about giving your time and energy to the people who add positivity to your life. I would argue that this line of reasoning applies to activities, too, but I’ll openly admit that I don’t always heed my own advice. Instead, I worry about what people will think if I quit x or if I’ll lose out on opportunities because I stopped doing y.
The trouble with that is that it’s an enormous game of what if. It places so much importance on future possibilities and neglects present happiness.
In all honesty, I dread going to this club every week – not because it’s objectively that painful, but because I’ve realized that my time is limited and valuable, and spending it on things that don’t make me happy feels sillier every day.
So, this weekend, we had a mandatory event. On the same afternoon, my RA offered to go to the Garfield Park Conservatory with me. I wanted to go spend a beautiful day in the city and then be surrounded by happiness and greenery and flowers. I wanted to take pictures and unwind after a stressful few weeks. But I had to go to the event. Duh. I texted my mom this, annoyed.
She pointed out that I didn’t have to go. She and my dad both said, “You do plenty. If this isn’t something you want to do anymore, you don’t have to do it.”
And you know something? They were right.
Getting permission
I got something like the permission I was looking for from my parents to skip out on this event and to stop belonging to this club. From the other side, though, I had friends telling me it’s the best thing ever and I should stick with it, since time is running short to “find something else”. I was conflicted.
That’s when I started thinking for myself a bit.
See, only I have to be okay with quitting this club that I don’t enjoy. I’m the only one who has to find something to fill that hour or so a week. I have to accept any lost opportunities as a result of distancing myself from this organization. The consequences are for me to bear. And you know what? I’m fine with them.
My disinterest in this activity already prevented me from taking full advantage of the resources it may provide. I have enough commitments to occupy my time quite well. I am confident in my ability to seek opportunity on a self-motivated basis.
So, I gave myself permission to value my time and my interests and my happiness, and I went and saw a lot of pretty green things this weekend. I took an adventure with a friend through rerouted public transit. I enjoyed the breeze on a bizarrely nice Saturday in February in Chicago. I’m glad I did.
Nobody else can really give you permission to live the life you’re happiest with. That power lies with you alone. You can get a boost, or some advice, but you’re the one who has to make the decision in the end. And even though it’s a little scary, it’s also a huge relief when you finally do.
This is me hoping to give you that boost. Give yourself permission to do what makes you happy.
Are you good at valuing your time?
Do you seek permission from others or are you fine with doing your own thing?
What club are you now disinterested in? I got activist burnout a couple months ago and had to reevaluate my priorities regarding that interest. I don’t think I needed anyone’s permission to do so, but talking it out with other people can help open up a new perspective and make it easier to break away or change.
It’s a career-interest group, but I’d rather not specify publicly because there is nothing wrong with the group and I don’t want to suggest that there is. It’s just not the best fit for me! I agree that talking it out helps make decisions easier 🙂
I totally agree with you. I struggled a lot with this in college and still right now where I’m constantly questioning, “is this worth it in the end?” even though I dreaded it oh, so much. Last year, I had an unpaid internship that was far away from my college and the commute was about $30 a week. I enjoyed it but I still dreaded going every week because the commute was so expensive and long but I stuck with it because, like you said, I didn’t want to lose out on potential opportunities. It’s hard to tell now whether or not that internship helped me to get where I am now though, but it’s one more thing on my resume!
And sometimes the experience is well worth the trouble 🙂
This post is literally me. I feel like you and I have extremely similar personalities, because I agree with all of this. I’m bookmarking this, because I think I need to read it every morning.
I wish I knew you in person. I feel like we’d be best friends.
This comment seriously made my day. You’re too sweet and I would lovelovelove to meet you sometime!
(I did email you back, right? If not, please tell me! Sometimes I respond in my head and never in reality ?)
Yes, yes, yes! We put this fake pressure on ourselves thinking it’s what these “other people” expect us to do and what we think is “right”. To stay and not quit and tough it out. But when we have all the control in those situations, why are we prolonging our unhappiness? We don’t have to! When we realize that, like you have, there is so much freedom in knowing that!
Perfectly said, as always!
I think it’s great that you’ve identified this aspect of your personality and I do hope you’ll be able to use that to give yourself permission to do what makes YOU happy. Interesting read.
Thanks for reading 😀
Love this post, Ellen! I went to Johns Hopkins and felt very similar about a multitude of groups and clubs. If I had maintained involvement in a club similar to the one you’re describing I may have gotten more job opportunities but here I am, gainfully employed in a great job for me. I also simply got to the point where I recognized that my mind and my mental health was too valuable to be flippant about how I spent my time. It is so freeing to agree to prioritize things that you care about, not what looks good on paper.
“It is so freeing to agree to prioritize things that you care about, not what looks good on paper.” <-- Yes! And the passion shines through and helps you get to a place that's right for you. Thanks for sharing your story, Zoe!
Yep, that’s me too! I’m constantly trying to do a million things and it takes me awhile (if ever…a lot of times, it comes in the form of someone close lovingly pointing out to me that I’m running myself ragged) to notice, “Hey! I don’t *have* to do XYZ anymore! I don’t even really like doing it! Why am I still involved?!” And it’s always so much easier when someone else gives you “permission”, even if the only person you needed permission from was yourself. ?
LOL I know the feeling of running yourself ragged – hope you’re not there right now! I agree that it’s easier when someone else tells you to quit, and I think that’s why it’s important to work on giving yourself permission. It’s easier to let the “blame” fall on someone else if it doesn’t work out as perfectly as you hoped, but that’s not exactly fair. 🙂
Oh man, I do that all the time! Always have and probably always will. It’s a constant battle, but it took me way too long to truly learn that I’m the only one whose permission I need. So well said.
Thanks so much, Leslie! I hope it becomes less of a battle ?
This pretty much sums up my choice of course and university…. I often find myself seeking permission of others though, and I was in a very similar position to you with the first job I had when I moved to London- it was a grad scheme- I ‘had’ to be on a grad scheme- but I wasn’t happy there. I definitely felt as though I needed permission to leave but like yours, my parents gave me a nudge in the right direction and I know I would not have had half of the experiences I have now had if I had stayed on there.
Without sounding too geriatric, as I have become older, I have become far more precious with my time and I try to only do things because I want to do them rather than doing them because I think I should…
It takes a lot of courage to step out of a loop and I am so glad you found relief and enjoyment in your decision. xx
Haha I feel like I sound old saying that, too, but it’s true: the more time passes, the more choosy I am about how I spend my time. Thanks for sharing your journey, Charlotte! I’m glad you were able to make the right decision for you! ❤️
A lot of your posts make me realize that we’re super similar! I was actually in a similar situation with a campus organization earlier this year. The weekly meetings began to feel like a waste of time, but I was already invested, it was “only” 2 hours per week, and I don’t quit things! But I realized there were much better ways to spend my time and the only person I was trying to prove something to by not quitting was…myself haha.
Ah, yes. That sounds exactly like me! I’m glad you decided to spend your time in a way that was better for you!
This is awesome, Ellen.
Now that I’m “in the real world” of working and raising a child I have NO free time, but I was such an “over-committer” in HS and college. To the point of being part of something (a club or team) “in name only” because 1) my friends were doing it and 2) it looked good on a resume.
How stupid!
Now I wish I’d focused more of my time/efforts on a few things I enjoyed/did well because it may have led to bigger opportunities. I guess I finally learned this in college!
Anyway, your photos are beautiful and it sounds like you made a great decision. You’re right; responsibilities (like a baby and husband in my case) aside, you only answer to yourself!
Thanks for sharing these wise words.
Thanks so much for your insight, Catherine. It’s nice to know from someone who can see past my stage in life that I’m thinking about things in a reasonable way! 🙂
YES! Knowing what to say NO and YES to is such a challenge, but I feel like it’s part of growing up and learning how to spend the time that God’s given me wisely. He didn’t make me to do everything, and it’s okay to give myself permission to say no to some things and yes to others.
Learning to do what you really want is definitely a part of the process of maturing!
When I was in college I found myself overcomitted to many different groups. Ultimately it led to burnout and I couldn’t give my full potential to what I truly cared for. I think this is a great read for anyone because it’s true, we cannot commit to the things we really want but causing ourself to burnout.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Hollie!