The weather this weekend was beautiful. It was nearly 70° on Saturday. In Chicago. In February. It was great. I mean, aside from my run on Saturday, my only real time outside this weekend was walking from the dorm to the library and back again, but it was still wonderful.
So wonderful, in fact, that when I somewhat grudgingly decided to meet my friend at the library on Saturday evening, I was like, “Psh. If I have to put on real clothes, they’re going to be shorts.”
I took off my giant cozy sweats and dug through my drawer to find shorts that haven’t been anywhere near appropriate since the beginning of fall quarter.
When I put them on, it was confirmation of the thing I’ve known for the last couple months: I’ve gained some weight.
If you’ve known me for any length of time, you probably know that I’ve been working on gaining weight for most of my young adult life. The standard advice of “eat all the time” and “lift weights” and “eat x calories” really didn’t work for me. It just didn’t.
What did work is pretty complicated, but I want to tell you about it. That’s what I do.
What worked
When I was diagnosed with a stress fracture in my hip last August, my doctor mentioned, as doctors have always tended to do with me, that I would benefit from gaining weight. Duh, I know. I let it go, though.
The doctor I saw in Chicago regarding the same stress fracture was a lot more threatening. If I had written this then, I might remember what he said, but I don’t. I just remember how it affected me. It really scared me. I attempted to follow up with him, but he was unresponsive to my appointment requests. It was a great experience, obviously.
It did really get to me, though. So, sometimes – usually at night – I would recall his message and get a little more freaked out. My “solution” was to just eat whatever was around, often until I was uncomfortable. It’s what I might be inclined to call bingeing, but it was always pretty intentional: “Should I eat more? I’m not hungry. But the doctor said…”
I’ve noted occasionally that I have become an emotional eater since starting college. Basically, that means that at night when I’m feeling lonely or sad or stressed, I sometimes eat a lot of food.
This year, that got compounded with the scary doctor message and also an increased workout regimen, so I physically have felt hungrier. During fall quarter, I was doing yoga teacher training and taking yoga classes on top of my regular workouts nearly 5 times a week. This quarter, I’ve been ramping up my running, lifting weights a bit more, and doing yoga whenever I can.
All of that has meant that whatever calorie goals I had previously been given were pretty much blown out of the water, but also that I had no idea what to target. When I tracked how many calories I was ending up eating most nights, I was pretty shocked. I can remember a time when eating 2200 calories a day because that’s what I was told I needed “to gain weight” was hard, but I can and often do hit 4000 with relative ease now.
Even when it felt wrong or uncomfortable, it always also felt like I was doing something right, so I kept at it.
To recap: I got scared by an insensitive doctor, ate more than anyone had ever told me to eat before, and gave in to some emotional eating that wasn’t super comfortable. Also, working out helped make me feel good and strong and sane.
On emotional eating, gaining weight, and learning to be happy with it all. #FitFluential Share on XHow it feels
Good, 85% of the time.
I’m not going to lie to you: sometimes I feel like a stuffed sausage in both clothes and in my skin, even though I am acutely aware that I am still very small. I’m still getting used to the body I’ve been working toward for years. And I know which mirrors make me feel out of proportion, so I avoid those because why torture yourself?
But, yeah, mostly it feels good. In the last few months, I’ve probably received more compliments from more people on the way I look than ever in my life. While we can debate whether or not appearance-based compliments are a good thing, I think we can all agree that it feels nice when you receive them. Also, I feel stronger and have better endurance than ever. Obviously, that’s largely due to training, but also due to all the fueling for the training. I certainly haven’t just gained muscle, but there’s a lot more muscle than there used to be.
The emotional eating still feels icky, honestly. That’s part of my quest for more and better self care. It requires pep talks when I feel overly full. It requires making sure I eat enough throughout the day so I don’t go to bed feeling uncomfortably stuffed. It’s a work in progress. (Aren’t we all?)
Also, it feels great to be supported. I texted several of my friends who have been in my life during my weight gain journey on Saturday and they were all very excited for me, which was exactly what I needed when I was considering having to buy a whole new wardrobe.
It took me a really long time to get my calorie intake up to where it needed to be to start to make the scale go up. It’s not easy or all that comfortable to just eat and eat and eat. Even when you want to gain weight. It’s not easy to feel like you’re eating way too much or like you’re a balloon pretending to be a person. I could totally stand to gain more.
Gaining weight can be a good thing. #fituniversity #FitFluential Share on XAbout those shorts
Honestly, my clothes do still fit. They’re just noticeably a little more snug to me. I called my mom as soon as I put them on and was like, “Uh, we need to go shopping at spring break.”
Maybe we do, but that might have been an exaggeration. They look pretty good, actually.
Your turn:
Have you struggled with your weight?
What’s the best thing you did/ate this weekend?
P.S. As always, if you have any questions or if you need some support or a cheerleader, I am glad to be that person for you. Message me on Instagram or Facebook, send me an email at ellen@myuncommoneveryday.com, or leave a comment and I will happily respond ASAP.
Ummm…we don’t need to go shopping over spring break?
I love you!
Lol of course we need to shop. I just might not actually need an entirely new set of pants yet ?
As you know, marathon training helps my mind and body so much because it has made putting on weight a place of positivity, not punishment. When you are getting stronger and feeling stronger, you don’t really mind that you have to eat more–you are doing it for a purpose, and your brain accepts the changes more easily (or at least that is how it worked for me). You ride the runger wave, as it were. For me, marathon weight gain was a very good thing.
xoxoxox
Yes! If I’m changing my activity, it makes more sense to my mind that my body changes, too. And I ride the high of doing things I love and totally just take what comes with it.
I’m so so excited that a new way of exercise and good nutrition really really helped your body Ellen; I seriously love how you share this perspective too.
Thanks so much, Emily!
That’s awesome!!
I have struggled with fluctuating weight at times, such as now, I would love to lose about ten pounds, but I know that I am still healthy with my weight now. I truly hope just to try to eat better and drink more water.
I spent some time with my hubby at the golf range. It’s always fun to spend time with him doing what he loves, and supporting him along the way. 🙂 As for eating, while I know it is so-not-healthy, I had a yummy Papa Johns pizza. They’re the best, in my opinion, for fast-food pizza that it.
https://starbucksstruck.blogspot.com/
Water intake is something I only recently started to struggle with. I love it, but I forget that until after I’ve downed half a bottle…
And no judgment here. I love love love Papa John’s!!!
My whole teenage years were spent struggling with my weight. I cannot believe how much time and worry I put into the number on the scale.
I think what has honestly helped me the most is realizing I am not my body. I have a body, but my identity does not fall in what I look like/the foods I eat/the exercise I do.
Best thing I ate this weekend? Chia seed pudding with almond butter on top. So good!
Thinking about it that way helps me, too! Yoga helps a lot. We always remind students to “take up space”, and it’s like a very gentle reminder that it’s okay to have a big presence 🙂
Girl, I was so excited when I saw your snap on Instagram about this post. I can definitely relate to the dilemma of needing to gain weight. I was always thin, but I lost around 20 pounds from celiac disease at my lowest. Sometimes eating more and moving less is definitely not as easy (or effective) as it sounds…
And I love your point that wanting to gain weight does not mean that actually seeing the weight gain isn’t a little hard to adjust to…and still being “small” doesn’t make the change any less noticeable to you. I think those points are some of the hardest parts.
As for the best thing I’ve eaten…..probably my supper on Saturday (repeat happening tonight!) of roasted veggies, avocado, homemade vegan cheese sauce, black bean mash, and homemade chips!
Aw thanks! I feel like it’s something I write more about as time progresses, but this was a good first pass. 🙂 Yeah, I dropped 20 pounds super fast after a random medicine switch and have still probably not gained it all back, but more than half, I’d guess.
LOL yes. I am aware that I’m still smaller than most people, but I’m allowed to feel as fluffy as anyone else 😛 Especially with my stomach issues…
That sounds so yummy!
So, just like you, I’ve struggled to gain weight for yeaaaars. Lately I’ve gained a little bit and it really is so strange… but good strange… but sometimes uncomfortably strange.
There’s times where I’ve put on shorts and I’m like “what the heck? why do they feel so tight?” or tried on jeans which I can’t pull up over the booty that came outta nowhere and I’m like “oh goodness what has happened?!” because I automatically take on the mind set of gaining weight = bad – until I remember that, for me, it’s a really awesome thing!
We live in a world that’s so against weight gain and treats it as unnatural/wrong – but for us, it really is the healthy choice.
I feel you on the fluffiness too…. but luckily fluffy is cuddily and I always choose soft toys based on their fluffiness so I think we’re okay. People may even love us even more 😉 <3
YES. There’s this instant “this is bad” reaction, and then I have to flip it every time. And cuddly toys are the best. Love that mindset!
I need to take a little piece of your mindset and plant it into my own. I’ve been struggling to gain weight for going on 4 years now. Even when I feel like I’m eating soooo much “better,” the scale does not budge. However, I know that I’ve struggled getting my calorie intake up truly to where it needs to be for this to happen (always WAY higher than you may expect), and I very quickly lose motivation to try. Very recently I’ve started getting bits of that motivation back… and so coming across this post was a bit of serendipity I think. Thank you for sharing your journey. I really appreciate it.
It’s a cruel little trick how much more we need to eat than we think. If you ever need a little boost of motivation or someone to vent to, I’m always here. I get it ❤️
Ellen, this post is wonderful! You seriously put into words so many of the thoughts I’ve had over the years while trying to gain weight. It’s not always as easy as people like to make it out to be (especially when you’re simultaneously dealing with digestive issues that make it difficult to eat like a “normal” person). I can definitely relate to so many of the things that you talked about.. like eating to the point where I’m uncomfortably full and worrying at night that I didn’t eat enough during the day and going on a binge fest. Thanks for sharing your story – I’m so glad to hear you’ve found a routine that works for you!
Aw thanks for sharing this, Kara! It’s definitely not an easy journey, but it’s always nice to know you’re not alone.
I am always one to say YAY to exercise while so many say NAY. It gives you something to work at rather than focusing solely on your weight going up for “no reason” (<- most would think of it this way rather than for your health). It doesn't make it any harder and I know others don't understand that when I say I feel huge (when it slips out…I try not to let that happen) because I am still underweight and small, I too just don't feel comfortable in this body because I am used to things not touching my skin. It's a weird feeling to be uncomfortable in your own skin but at the same time rationally know that you are still very much underweight. Hard to wrap your head around but it shows the power of an ED.
It’s a weird mind game, that’s for sure.