Last week was honestly a really good first week of school. Really. Last year, I started college and had to spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that I was loving it.
Tip: If you have to explain to yourself that you love something, you probably don’t actually love it.
Still, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in the past week wondering whether I’m going to stick with my major. I’ve been scrolling through various job boards and company websites and having no idea what I want to do after I graduate. I ate a lot of candy while staring at the computer screen in a stressed-out frenzy. I worked on a single problem set for longer than I thought I could find acceptable. I also played games, wrote for pleasure, and made time to catch up with friends.
During all of that, I was also beating myself up a little bit:
I should be getting ahead on reading instead of relaxing.
Why do I not know what I want to do with my life?
What if I don’t want to be an econ major? What will I do?
I probably shouldn’t have eaten all of those Hershey’s… and Reese’s… and Oreos.
Why do I keep going to the dining hall if I have a perfectly good kitchen and could make (better) food?
When I thought about all this over the weekend, though, I decided I was being a tad ridiculous, and I need to be a little bit nicer to myself. So, I turned all those criticisms around.
Relaxing is important. I don’t need to know what the future looks like; there’s plenty of time to figure that out. I (think I) actually do want to be an econ major, even though it’s quite a bit of work. I probably didn’t need to stress-consume all that sugar, but I’ll live. I make about 2/3 of my own meals in my apartment, but the dining hall is convenient when I’m busy and I enjoy the social aspect of eating with my house.
I’m naturally pretty hard on myself – I think a lot of people are. It’s highly probable that I always will be, to an extent, but this week has made me see the importance of trying to tone that down. I managed to have a genuinely good week, even if it included some struggling and uncertainty and mistakes. My inclination when I’m having a hard time is to give myself an even harder time – and that’s not healthy.
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School is hard. Not knowing what the future holds is hard. Life can be pretty hard. Instead of trying to convince myself that it shouldn’t be, and instead of trying to handle it perfectly, I’m working on letting it be hard and being nicer to myself through those challenges. So sometimes, I’ll spend a few hours with friends instead of reading endlessly or obsessively researching job opportunities. Others, I’ll let someone else cook my food and do the dishes. It might even be as simple as asking for help when I can’t seem to grasp a concept. Surely, there will be times when being nicer to myself means grabbing another bowl of ice cream.
I’m never going to stop wanting to plan things out a bit. I’m probably always going to be a little type-A. But I want to let go a little, give myself a little more grace, and let my life be a little like the past week: crazy, busy, stressful, and somehow still fun.
Because unlike last year, I really did love this past week, and that makes me kind of excited for the weeks to come.
How can you be a little nicer to yourself?
It’s hard, but if we could all remember that we ALL feel this way and beat ourselves up and freak out about the unknown, it would be better, but of course…that’s so much easier said than done!
So true!
This is so true. We all tend to be our harshest critics and I try to talk to myself like I would a good friend. I would never tell my friend she was horrible for not cooking a meal or for taking a break! Such a good reminder <3
Exactly! Treat yourself like your own best friend <3
Sending hugs. I’m 30 and will be leaving the job i went to school for for years because it just doesn’t fit me any more. Don’t stress too much about your future job, it will grow with you! Love yourself no matter what, you deserve it 🙂
Thanks for the advice ❤️ It’s nice to know that it all works out, even if it doesn’t stay the same.
It is really hard to be nice to yourself sometimes! I’m in the process of writing my senior thesis, and I am being myself up at every turn. Let’s just be nice to ourselves!!
Good luck with your thesis! You can do it! 😀
I also fall into the ‘giving yourself a hard time for having a hard time category’ but just by recognising that you loved this week regardless of some of the difficulties it entailed you knocked this mentality on its head!
In terms of college- perhaps seek out some guidance or someone you can have a chat with about your major (tutor/ older student/ alumni). You will then get a much clearer picture of what is involved before you have to make any decisions. Remember though, that even if you decide one way and change your mind, there are always options to alter the path again as you go along. xx
I’ve definitely been seeking out a lot of help. Also, I think it was just a bit of a rough/confusing week. I’m going to continue having these conversations with a lot of people for sure! It’s important to talk about hard things 🙂 And, of course, everything can change!
Such an inspirational post, Ellen!! My family is constantly telling me that I am too hard on myself, and it’s true, even when it’s hard to admit. Sometimes I think that I will push myself harder if I’m harsher on myself/hold myself to a higher standard than I would to someone else, but that mentality I know deep down will get me nowhere fast. Because we need our times of rest, refreshment, fun and treats, and that will give us more energy to tackle the work when the time comes. Life doesn’t always turn out like we expect or plan, but if we treat ourselves with the understanding and grace that we grant others, it will be more of an enjoyable, fun, adventurous journey of discovery, and less of a freak-out stress party. Thanks for the reminder!!
I love that thought: rest gives us energy for work. I’m so bad at resting. Letting life be fun is so important 🙂
Isn’t it crazy how it’s so much easier to be nice to other people than it is to be nice to ourselves? I’m my own worst enemy as well, and not beating myself up over things is still a work in progress… although it’s gotten a lot better as I’ve gotten older and realized that so many of the things I used to stress about just aren’t worth stressing over. I’m glad that you had a good first week back, and I hope it continues into the rest of the year!
I do try to see things from the perspective of “future me”. Like, will this be important in 5 years? No? Okay, I’ll try not worry now 🙂 Thanks for the happy thoughts, Amanda!
“Tip: If you have to explain to yourself that you love something, you probably don’t actually love it.”
— This post is amazing! I can relate on so many levels. This past week has been busy and I realized I’ve failed to make time for myself. I have to remember that I need to take care of my soul too and it’s okay to not feel put together 100% of the time.
Thanks so much, Kaylee! Definitely take time to take care of your soul <3