My name is Ellen and I’m an over-apologizer.
“I could really use some alone time. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry your plans got canceled.”
“He really shouldn’t have said that; I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry I ate the last cookie.”
Honestly, I say, “I’m sorry” as automatically and often as “please” or “thank you”. My mom called it to my attention the other day. I promptly apologized for apologizing too much.
Here’s the thing: there are many right times for apologies, but there are also many wrong ones. I wholeheartedly believe you should apologize when you hurt someone or make a mistake. Simply, you should when you do something wrong.
Otherwise, you’re probably taking blame and feeling guilt for no reason. You don’t need that added stress; I certainly don’t.
Don’t apologize for…
Someone else’s actions.
You are not responsible for fixing someone else’s mistakes or making amends on the behalf of another. You own your actions; let others own theirs.
What you eat.
Eat vegan or gluten-free or sugar-free or low-FODMAP. Or eat without restrictions. Eat a burger or a salad or a few too many cookies. Eat what you want and what works for you. Preferably, don’t eat other people’s food, though. If you do… maybe consider apologizing.
Taking a break.
Whether it’s from work or exercise or socializing, everyone needs a break. It’s okay to put aside that mountain of work and read for pleasure or take a walk. It’s fine to skip a workout. It’s very necessary to steal a little “me time” regularly. Know what you need and honor it.
What you wear.
If you’re comfortable and confident in it (and you’re following whatever dress code is established), rock it.
Not knowing.
You don’t have to know the answer to everyone’s questions. You don’t have to know what you want your future to look like, how to make a killer creme brûlée, or the minutiae of the tax code. No one knows everything. And, hey, by admitting you don’t know, you might learn something. That’s certainly nothing to be sorry for.
While there is a time for apologies, it isn’t all the time. Spewing “I’m sorry” left and right unnecessarily thrusts guilt on your own shoulders – and no one needs that.
Do you over-apologize?
What is something you think we should stop apologizing for?
This is something I feel SO strongly about. i HATE when people over-apologize and say “sorry” as just another phrase, like okay. You need to TRULY mean it wholeheartedly. So as you can tell, I’m not an over apologizer. For me to apologize takes a lot and something really bad, that I actually feel sorry for. Otherwise, the word never passes my lips.
I think that’s a good habit, one that I definitely admire. It makes your words hold real weight!
Oh my, YES! I I have the same problem. I want to help people, and so when I can’t, I automatically apologize all over myself. It’s kind of a fall back, and I totally understand that I don’t *need* to do it, but I can’t just stop. I am more passive as well as indecisive, so I think I tend to apologize to people who want me to assert myself or make a decision. I know I shouldn’t be apologizing for who I am, but it is not cool in this day and age to be more passive. (At least this is how it seems to me.) It seems like everyone wants or expects you to be an independent, assertive woman, but that is not me, and I often feel like I have to apologize for it. Anyway, I think I’ve done everything on your list, although I don’t always say it out loud. In fact probably only about 25% of the apologies I make are spoken. And the apologizing for apologizing: I have done the *exact* same thing! Thanks for the reminder, and for sharing so that we over-apologizers know we aren’t alone! <3
Haha I can certainly relate to apologizing for indecision. Thanks for reading, Abbie 🙂
I was honestly just thinking about this exact topic the other way. We spend so much of our time apologizing for things that require no apology! I often find myself saying I’m sorry when I take longer than 1 second to move my stuff or if I am in someone’s way or even on behalf of other people. Because of religious reasons, I have to abstain from eating pork and certain meat at restaurants, and I have no idea why I always apologize for that too. Sorry I don’t eat bacon… what is there to even be sorry for?
Or when someone asks me for help with a hard question in school and I cannot provide them with the knowledge, I always apologize. I feel as if I am letting them down for my lack of knowledge, when in reality it has nothing to do with me. Thank you for posting about such an important topic!
Exactly! Most of the time there is nothing to be sorry for. It’s just a lame fall-back phrase we use when we’re worried about being an inconvenience… but your existence and human-ness is absolutely not an inconvenience.
Sorry, Ellen. That’s me. Seriously, I also say “excuse me” a lot—even if the other person bumps into me or parks grocery cart in the center of the aisle.
I do that, too!
I am SO an over-apologizer! When I was younger, my parents taught us to say “I was wrong” when you said/did something offensive, spiteful, etc., and save saying “I’m sorry” for its more appropriate definition of “I’m sad” in a “I-feel-bad-with-no-strings-attached” sort of way…like you would if you found out that a friend just lost his phone or an acquaintance was telling you about her horrible day. Despite practicing this as well as I could, my “I’m sorry” has drifted toward the more typical meaning of taking responsibility, and now at least 75% of the times I say it, it’s because I feel I’m in some way at fault. I actually say it more times a day than I can count…thank you for helping me remember there are many things for which I am apologizing that I am *not* responsible for!
I love that your parents tried to instill that difference in you from a young age! But I do suppose that the colloquial version would override it a little and then you’d start using it like everyone else. Crazy how that happens!
Oh my goodness, I totally do this, too! Even if someone else bumps into me and they’re in the wrong, I quickly and politely say, “Excuse me, I’m so sorry!” I know some people who NEVER apologize and that drives me nuts, so I’d much rather be quick to apologize if there’s even a chance I’m in the wrong.
I’m also definitely guilty of listening to a story about someone else’s actions and saying so sorry to the person telling the story. Maybe we’re just very sympathetic people? 😉
I definitely agree that it’s better to over-apologize than never apologize! It drives me crazy when some runs into me and doesn’t say anything.
I’m a fellow over apologiser! I also say “no worries” too much and often times that says me saying yes to things I really shouldn’t or don’t want to do so I really need to learn to stop!
Haha I have that “yes” problem, too. I really need to work on that!